State of the Union 2010 - ORIGINAL EDIT

Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and my fellow patriotic Americans:

Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union. Tonight I shall do just that.

I have, over the course of the last few days and weeks come to understand the anger and frustration of the people over the state of affairs in this nation, and I have decided to heed the voices of patriotic, real Americans. Those living in the REAL America.

First, I would like to announce that I was wrong during the election when I disagreed with Senator John McCain that the economy was “Fundamentally Sound.” John was right. The economy was and is fundamentally sound, and although Senator McCain himself and then-President Bush both urged a bailout of the financial system, I was the one that was wrong, NOT THEM.

I must also admit that my friends in the GOP are correct that asking these financial institutions to actually return the monies they begged for would be unfair to them. And any actions to try to tax the impressive bonuses given by the taxpayers to the wonderfully, successful bankers who have worked tirelessly to create our fundamentally sound system, would also be unfair and un-democratic.

Also, I would like to take this opportunity to applaud the Supreme Court and the wisdom that they have in making the important decisions that the people of American are obviously incapable of making. The only exception I have is one unfair ban that they have chosen to ignore; that of the ban on foreign individuals on actually voting in our American elections. Why, we the people feel that we should alone have the privilege of participating in the great institution that is known as American Democracy is beyond me. It is, after all, an issue of Free Speech as the wise Justices noted, and to prohibit any tax-paying non-citizen individual from freely contributing to the political process financially and at the ballot box is fundamentally unfair. I know that the High Court agrees with me as I see Justices Alito and Thomas fist-bumping. I ask that the court further address this grievous oversight.

And lest I ignore some very important words, let me say them forcefully and with conviction right now. TERROR, TERRORISM, ISLAMIC TERRORISM, 9/11, CHRISTMAS BOMBER, FT. HOOD AND TERRORISM.

Next, I must admit, I have finally seen the light. Socialism IS evil. Socialism kills. Socialism rewards the lazy and useless. It’s all about Capitalism now, baby.

Upon investigation, it is frightening to discover how widespread the infection of Liberal Socialism is throughout the body America, but now that these devious designs of the Statists have been exposed, America can be saved. I offer a preliminary introduction to some of the more egregious, yet little known Communist cancers; these are but the tip of the iceberg.

1 – The United States Post Office – In Soviet Russia, the postal service was part of People's Commissariat of Communications. In China it’s called China Post – actually, it is called the State Post Bureau of the People's Republic of China, and its part of the Ministry of Posts and Telecommunications which is under the direction of the Ministry of Information. It costs the equivalent of .08 cents (US) to mail a letter within China. The cost to deliver that article is far greater and subsidized by the state. Of course, there is no expectation of privacy when mailing a correspondence, so that is a trade off.

In America, the same apparatus is called the United States Postal Service, and it’s led by a ‘general’ who is not elected, but appointed by the President, and up until the 1970s the Postmaster General was actually in the Presidential line of succession…how democratic.

Comrade Post Master General leads a force of over 800,000 employees that can not function on its revenues alone and relies on the government to prop it up. The USPS is a service that would make Marx proud.

TERRORISM.

It costs the USPS an average of $234 per year – per citizen – to deliver mail to Americans. What? Did you think all of those catalogs and sales circulars magically appeared in your mailbox?

First year Postal Employees receive 13 days vacation, 13 sick days, excellent healthcare coverage under the Federal Employees Health Benefits program, retirement benefits from the Federal Retirement Program, a 401k type program called the Thrift Savings Plan with a 5% matching contribution from the USPS, as well as a fully employer paid life insurance plan. And do you know how hard it is to get fired from this cushy job??

Last year the Post Office lost over 6 billion dollars. That’s like bailing out GM every four years. Do they care? NOPE. Hard working American patriots can pay for Comrade Mail Man’s wonderfully easy life. The post office receives a TARP-worthy bailout every single year.

To add insult to injury the Federal government suppresses free competition and forces private curriers to play with a handicap. Some years ago, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the obstruction of free trade by deciding that the more efficient, privately run Federal Express and United Parcel Service could be forbidden from using private citizen’s privately owed mailboxes to deliver mail. In fact, Fed-Ex and UPS are forbidden from even calling their parcels ‘mail.’ Government controlling the means of communication sounds pretty Un-American to me.

Does not private enterprise function far more efficiently than this catastrophic failure of a state run experiment? The answer to anyone not named Marx is an emphatic YES.

SEPTEMBER 11.

2 – Social Security. The name says it all. With the help of anti-Statist patriots, we can immediately end the Social Security program – a program that is morally and financially bankrupt. No more will hard working Americans be forced to piss away their hard earned money into this communal urinal of inefficiency. No more will the feebly unemployable old simply be given money. The laws of nature can show us the way.

The savings alone from ending this disastrous experiment will do more for our economy than anything these gray-haired, one-foot-in-the-grave fogies can ever do. The America I know and love does not want to throw good money after bad. So, to those whose argument is that they have paid into the Social Security fund, and thus deserve to benefit from it, I say: It is precisely because YOU did not speak out earlier that this tragedy occurred, comrades. Because YOU failed to stop this indecency, America is suffering. YOU, the people collecting Social Security today, supporting this corrupt system that is bleeding hard working Americans to death; YOU are to blame.

A truly democratic plan would allow hard working Americans to choose whether they want to flush their money down the toilet or not. I think we know how a patriot would decide.

3 – Medicare. The Devil in a lab coat, that’s what Medicare is. Starting today, if you can’t pay…go away. Healthcare costs money. If you can’t afford it, you aren’t trying hard enough. This government no longer needs to support fat, lazy, fast-food junkies with enough plaque in their arteries to build a statue to Lenin. Should the health conscious, those who shop at proud independent retailers like Whole Foods, those who work tremendously hard to keep their bodies fit have to pay to keep these people alive? No, I say. If you can’t pay….go away.

Just as Elephants and Bears know when it is time to die, so should the elderly. Let me be the first to thank all retirees for their years of work. But simply because one worked - as did the brave founders of this nation - does not entitle anyone to wave the Red flag of socialism above the Red, White and Blue Stars and Stripes of democracy.

To this end, I propose to outlaw the AARP, as part of a greater purge of so-called organized labor guilds and unions. The AARP is clearly a socialist ‘association’ that aims to secure special privileges to the elderly for no greater reason than their advanced age. Such entitlement stands contrary to the spirit of independence that our nation was founded upon.

Did the settlers at Williamsburg receive a special stipend simply for being lucky enough to reach a certain age? NO. And neither shall anyone else in the America I know and love. The aged in this nation should thank the sweet Lord of Hosts for being blessed enough to be allowed grow old in this great land, rather than being thrown in front of the Socialist’s Death Panels and euthanized.

A great American once said that old soldiers never died, they just faded away. Well I ask for all Americans over 65 to do their patriotic duty and fade away quickly and quietly rather than becoming the leeches that the Communists in the AARP would have you become. Your final duty in defense of Democracy is to renounce your memberships in these ‘associations’ and exit the stage gracefully just as the great warrior General Douglas MacArthur did.

The Eskimos don’t have social security. Do you know what they have? Ice. And when one of their’s gets too old or infirmed to contribute to society, they set them afloat to meet their maker with honor and dignity. Members of the AARP and would be wise to do the same.

ISLAMIC TERRORISM.

4 – Welfare – Is there any more insidiously demonic incarnation of the anti-American character of Friedrich Engels than welfare? The very notion of rewarding those who refuse to work is about as evil as anything ever seen in these great United States. It sickens me to even speak of such a nefarious plot to undermine the American entrepreneurial spirit.

Needless to say, no REAL American would EVER accept a welfare check. I know my supporters agree.

5 – The Department of Housing and Urban Development - The preamble to the Constitution mentions, Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. No where does it mention housing. Enough said.

6 – The Department of Education – I know I’ll have to explain this several times to anyone who has had the misfortune of attending a public learning institution in the United States, but here goes; This government has way better things to do than to ‘educate’ the filthy unwashed spawn of the jobless, illiterate underclass. The Founding Fathers NEVER intended for the government to pay for schooling. To think so is an affront to the land that I love, and I will have no part of it. If you want your kids to learn, either teach them yourselves or send them to a private learning center. If you think your spawn deserve to be educated simply for being born in this great land, you are stupid, and a Communist. Senator Boner agrees, right John? And I know that all patriots watching this at home tonight will agree with me and will remove their children from public schooling immediately. Just like healthcare, those who really want to educate their children will figure out a way to do so without the government’s interference.

7 – The Department of Veteran Affairs – Many patriots, among them the fair and balanced patriots at Foxnews – the most trusted infotainment source on basic cable, have agreed for some time that this organization is an evil socialist experiment in population control. Once ours brave soldiers have exhausted their worth to the collective, they should be disposed of in the cheapest manner possible – at least the Statists at the VA believe that.

As the leader of the Republican party said recently while in Hawaii; America already has state-of-the-art private medical facilities, why do we need the government to operate hospitals too?

Americans don’t need a Veteran’s Administration. Liberty means that we can administer our own affairs. Tyranny is the death panel for veterans. We owe it to our brave veterans to dismantle the VA as quickly as we can. By its own admission the VA’s budget has more than doubled since 2001 to 112 billion dollars today. Veterans should be allowed to choose their own medical professionals, and not be forced to accept lesser care such as we have seen at Walter Reed for sometime now. Many of our veterans return home with more skill than they left with and can find gainful employ with which to pay for a far-superior private insurance package without having to submit to the indignity of a Veterans Affairs review board.

TERRORISM, TERRORISM, TERRORISM.

8 – The National Park Service. The taxpayers of this nation pay roughly 2.4 billion dollars a year to support a “National” park system. We do not need to nationalize parks and recreation. More people visit Florida’s Disney World complex in one year (46.1 million per year) than will visit Everglades National Park (1 million per year) in the next 45 years. This year, more than 8 times as many visitors will enjoy Disney than will enjoy the Grand Canyon. Disney’s success on a tiny fraction of the acreage of Everglades and Grand Canyon National Parks is further a testament to America’s capitalist ideals. Indeed, the privatization of the entire National park system will be a boon to local economies and will likely improve the quality of experience for each and every visitor to come.

These examples are but a few, there is much more that can be done to purge our systems of the poisons of socialism. But, it does not stop in Washington DC. Locally, there are even more Socialist schemes to control your life;

1 – The so-called ‘Public’ utilities and services

A - Sanitation Departments. Do we really need to have the government run around picking up our trash when the precious resources wasted could be better used to combat Socialism? The very existence of so-called Public Sanitation is a farce – another example of government involvement where the private sector can do the job better. Can’t take your own crap to the dump? Then live in it. Don’t want to live in it? Contract a private carting company, or should only businesses have that honor? Think about it Americans. How many closet Commies do you know who pretend to love America and still want Comrade Garbage Man pick up their smelly refuse? Talk about elitist entitlement. I know, it is a plague for sure. Look closely at your neighbors, Patriots. The Statist will have you believe that it is their RIGHT to have their trash hauled away. LIES. It’s not in the Constitution is it?

B - ‘Energy’. Does anyone know how George Washington got energy for his home? He cut down a damn tree himself. This is a no-brainer, Patriots.

Tyrants and Statists wish for the government to limit free market dynamics and control what a private energy provider can charge for it’s services. California is a perfect example of the success of de-regulated energy trade. Profits of energy providers skyrocketed, and with that, jobs and wealth were created.

C – ‘Public Safety’ – another fallacy perpetuated by the jack-booted brown shirts. I don’t need anyone to protect me, I got Smith and Wesson. This country spends billions on ‘security.’ If every American owed a gun, we wouldn’t need any Police. Guns would be feared unlike the woefully inefficient socio-political intimidation machines that State and Federal law enforcement have become. The proof is that today’s security conscious Americans already choose private security firms to protect their assets. Even the Federal government and U.S. military choose private security when it comes to their important people and places. The logical extension of this is to allow the public to choose their own public safety provider. Competition would dictate fair market rates for this extremely hazardous occupation. And the burden placed on municipalities for socialist entitlements like pensions workmen’s compensation would be removed once and for all.

D – ‘Fire fighting’ – Once and future domain of private enterprise. It has already been proven that private enterprise is a far superior choice to publicly supported inefficient boondoggles like Fire ‘Departments’. We don’t need a tax to support firefighting efforts. Private firefighting companies can and will allow patriotic Americans to only pay when they themselves have an applicable emergency. Most Americans go their entire lives with no occasion to call on a fire department. Why the hell should they be forced to pay for firefighters to put out a fire started by some loser smoking in bed? Why should you or I be forced to pay for firefighters to rescue the non-contributing free-loaders when they burn down their housing project with their crack pipes?

Ambulatory medical services also must be the domain of private enterprise – it is a service the same as a private medical practice and should be treated the same. The public would benefit from a range of service levels to fit their budgets, and our towns and cities would not have to bear any insurance liabilities, saving billions annually. The same could be done with Emergency Medical treatment. Just as one would visit their bank branch during business hours for routine services and use automated tellers 24 hour a day for limited services, so could medical providers provide fee-based premium localized emergency services.

Privatizing firefighting and emergency medical services would be the best thing we Americans could do for the brave men and women who put their lives on the line as first responders. Private enterprise could offer more competitive wages to fire fighters and would surely be better equipped to steer this industry toward profitability than any local level politicians.

Just like our healthcare system, more competition will lead to better services being offered to the public and natural accountability, especially since we know that people won’t spend money on a product they dislike. Simple. Phil Gramm agrees, he sick and tired of the whiney cops and drunken firemen too.

SEPTEMBER 11. TERRORISM. ISLAMIC TERRORISM.

2 – Public Transportation – Hello?? Welfare on Wheels is what that should be called. You want to get somewhere? Get a car, or use your feet. Why do Federal, State, and Local governments need to support those who cannot afford their own transportation? How obvious a Socialist concept is public transportation?

Case in point, in New York, the MTA has a budget of almost $10 billion dollars a year. In 2008 it ran a deficit of over $2.6 Billion. The MTA’s own budget report states that only 40% of its annual revenue comes from the fare box. 33% ($3.2 Billion) comes from taxes imposed on all citizens regardless of whether they ride or not. An additional 9% ($878 Million) comes directly from State and Local subsidies.

Basically, patriots, we are paying to shuttle around millions of people who are unwilling to earn enough to get themselves around without a hand out from the government. Does it get any more Socialist than this?? Maybe we should nationalize the Airlines. Maybe we should nationalize Greyhound too. How’s Amtrak working out, huh? To make matters worse, once again entitlement rears its self-centered head. Additional millions of fare box revenues are lost annually by giving discriminatory preference and subsidies to the young, elderly, and handicapped. How is this fair??

I call on real Americans and patriots to boycott their local public transportation system and make their way to work privately – the American way.

Additionally, by privatizing the MTA, we can return over $4.2 Billion dollars year to the taxpayers, increase business activity, competition and create wealth. That’s democracy in action. That’s freedom from tyranny.

My fellow Americans, a new day is dawning on the Land of the Free. And I stand before you, a convert, having seen the bright light of Capitalism, the shining path to the future. I ask for you to join me in fully and finally rejecting the insanity that is the Socialization of America – something that has been slowly eroding the very fiber of our freedom.

Tough decisions will have to be made, but you are the Americans to do it. This can be a glorious new chapter in the great American story. We must rid ourselves of our old, staid ways, and embrace a new, purer America.

Next week I shall outline a new bi-partisan program called “Better Dead Than Red” – A guide for seniors on how to Fade Away patriotically without resorting to Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and other poisonous Socialist evils.

With these changes I am proposing today, the United States of America WILL save almost $300 BILLION DOLLARS ANNUALLY. THAT equates to an annual savings of OVER $500 MILLION DOLLARS to each and every corporation on the Forbes 500 list. AND an additional annual savings of well over 16 CENTS for every man, woman and child living in the United States. Talk about stimulus!  Look out Libby, Bob won't need that Viagra anymore.

Lastly, I would like to address something that my esteemed Republican colleagues have rightly called an important issue to be explored.

On February 4, 1961 a clandestine meeting took place between Nikita Khrushchev, Mao Tse-tung, Fidel Castro, John F. Kennedy, and Martin Luther King with the aim of bringing about the eventual destruction of the United States and the end of modern Capitalist Democracy. Nine months later, on August, 4, 1961 I was born in Mombassa, Kenya. I have no actually parentage. The sperm of these men was forcefully inserted into an unsuspecting white woman. I was raised in a small container and indoctrinated in the teachings of the great Marx, Engals, and Lenin. I was instilled with a deep seated hatred toward white people. Eventually, I was smuggled into Hawaii – the least American of all of the states – and was groomed for my inevitable mission. The rest is history. But thanks to the newest Dental Surgeon-General / Purity Czar, Orly Taitz, Esq. DDS. I have been reformed, been generously given Temporary Migrant Worker Status, and have had all of my Socialist dental work re-done. Thank you Orly. Shalom.

In closing, I would like to add a few final words; TERROR. TERROR. TERROR. 9/11 TERROR, TERROR, TERROR, 9/11. BUY GOLD.

Thank you and God Bless America – and by God, I mean Jesus, not the big-nosed Jew God, or the Kung-Pao God of the Yellows, or whatever those Pakis pray to, but Jesus Christ, the only God to have ever visited Palmyra, New York, USA. The true God of freedom.