SHOCK: NEW GOP ELECTION STRATEGY UNVEILED

From May 26, 2010

In a stunning shift in strategy apparently designed to capitalize on Republican distain for all concepts of social responsibility and entitlement, the GOP has made the bold decision to publicly rebuke traditional views of religion in favor of the more aggressive, self-centered and capitalist-friendly philosophy embraced by the their leadership.

Leading the charge, Rush Limbaugh, the undisputed leader of the Republican party issued a missive blasting the teachings of a man he termed a "radical West Bank cleric", Jesus of Nazareth, for his dreams of a "Christian brotherhood of man" to rule the world. Limbaugh repudiated major tenets of what he has termed "Christ's Liberal plot to subvert American Capitalism." He also roundly denounced what he called the "weak willed pacifism" of the Bethlehem native, calling him "a naïve, self-loathing, guilt-ridden liberal anti-war protesting hippy Jew in dire need of a bath, who apparently was never attacked for his beliefs."

A self described spokesperson for the estate of Christ and his family, calling himself Isaiah, had previously stated that mankind should "beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks," He continued by saying that, "nation should not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more."

"It's that kind of thinking that got us attacked on 9/11." Limbaugh raged.  "We've had enough of this type of terrorist apologist drivel.  Hold on, I'll turn a cheek and they can kiss it, if you know what I mean!"

Noted patriot, and self described protector of Liberty, Mark Levin has long excoriated Jesus as a Statist, hell-bent on controlling the lives of American citizens through "a centralized authority based on anti-American socialist hegemony."  He scoffed at the idea that Americans should, "go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me (Jesus)" as Jesus was reportedly quoted as saying shortly before his death.

"This Matthew kid was lazy and poor.  Of course he wanted welfare handouts from those of us who actually work for a living." Levin preached. "Him, and the rest of those 12 free-loading disciples aren't getting their dirty hands on my hard earned Fishes and Loaves." Levin lauded the Pharisees of the Bible for their embrace of virtuous Capitalist ideals and has encouraged like-minded Patriots to call on their representatives in Congress to reject the "tyrannical plot to socialize America."

"The Statist believes that some 'higher power' will feed the hungry and cloth the naked. The Statist says 'it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' That's because the Statist never worked a day in his life." Levin said. "Christianity is just another gigantic step towards achieving a Utopian society that the Statist craves."

"Tell that 'messiah' to get back on his goddamn donkey and ride his ass back to Jerusalem and out of the great Ronald Reagan's 'shining city on the hill.'"  Levin continued.   "He's not wanted here.  And tell him to take fucking Rahm with him too!"

Mr. Levin also noted that if Christianity was really so popular, why then, had his book, Liberty and Tyranny been on the bestseller's list for so long? "The Statist believes that if he places his propaganda books in every hotel, hard working Americans would be fooled into buying this liberal tripe.  You want to educate people? Put my manifesto in every cheap sleazy motel room."

Conservative entertainer Sean Hannity agreed. "Who the hell is watching the 700 Club on the Christian Broadcast Network anyway? Have you seen Fox News' ratings lately?  We're on top!"  Fellow Fox personalities concurred, with Bill O'Reilly branding Jesus Christ a Pinhead, while Glenn Beck made a tearful appeal to his listeners to reject all religious documents containing the words 'justice' and 'compassion.'

Limbaugh's fiery statement concluded by pillorying Mr. Christ as a 'slimy, long haired, emasculated son of a man-hating feminazi' as well as castigating him for his dalliances with the diseased and an alleged prostitute known as Mary. "This sack-cloth wearing liberal pals around with sickos and washes the feet of street hookers. He's worse than Bubba."

"I hope, for the sake of America that this Christianity nonsense finally fails." He pronounced. "Yeah, I said it. You hear that AP?"

Outspoken conservative pinup girl, Ann Coulter reacted strongly to Jesus as well. "He's a faggot...Look, the guy is all buddy-buddy with 12 dudes. He's not married. You do the math. I mean except for one fag hag whore and his mommy, does this guy hang out with any women."

A busy Michael Steele granted a working interview while attending to his RNC duties of hand-washing Limbaugh's Lear Jet suggested that any Republican seeking spiritual fulfillment should forsake obsolete houses of worship and instead spend their Sunday's at the Sodom and Gomorrah Club in West Hollywood - the official adult entertainment venue of the RNC, where he noted, they offered an excellent buffet, discounted matinee lap-dances and voter registration services.

GOP strategists hope to exploit the current anti-entitlement sentiment by turning religion into a major issue for the upcoming elections, and operatives are fanning out in hopes of a repeat of last summer's town hall anger by encouraging supporters to vocally challenge the wisdom and strategies of clergy men in churches across the nation.

Reached for comment at his Wyoming lair and asked of his own views on the Republican shift in approach, The Devil himself endorsed the move and proudly proclaimed that he has long held the same beliefs that conservatives like Limbaugh and Beck were now espousing.  "One of my proudest achievements was telling the so-called Lamb of God to 'Go Fuck Himself.'  Never does a day go by when someone doesn't thank me for being so honest."  

As for his own political aspirations, he indicated that he had no interest in reentering American politics after serving for eight years as Vice President under George W. Bush.  But, added Satan, "2011 is going to be a damn good year." as he was penning an autobiography, embarking on a speaking tour with his close friend, Pope Benedict, and was considering offers from Roger Ailes to host his own Sunday morning chat show.

Appearing at a question and answer session, 2012 Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee seemed relieved and confessed that he was "tired of living a lie for so long."  Responding to concerns that rejecting religion will alienate some of the Republican Party's staunchest supporters, Huckabee said, "It will take some time to wean the poor and ignorant off of the Bible, but I am confident that patriotic Americans will rally around greed, selfishness, violence and hatred for the good of the nation."

Former partial term Governor, turned fee-based motivational speaker Sarah Palin weighed in on the hot button issue during a recent NRA event where she held up an assault rifle and warned members of the pro-gun lobby that if Jesus were alive today, he would try to take away their god-given right to own machine guns.  The crowd cheered as Mrs. Palin proclaimed, "We are all Romans today. No one will take away our guns!"

And Neo-Conservative Tea-Party groups have called on Americans to boycott the Jesus cult as unpatriotic, radical liberal activism. Organizers in several states are planning Frankincense and Myrrh parties to protest what they are calling Jesus' unconstitutional tithing views.

Fox News has indicated it will schedule and heavily promote a full slate of coverage of 'spontaneous events' coinciding with the upcoming sweeps week, with Sarah Palin in negotiations to headline, and Halliburton, the NRA, and Goldline dot com inking official corporate sponsorship deals for the events.

More news on this as it develops.



msny 05.26.10