SHOCK! GRAVITY, A HOAX?

BREAKING NEWS - URGENT

New letters recently uncovered and purportedly written by famed English scientist Sir Isaac Newton’s gardener have thrown the conservative blogosphere into turmoil with the apparent admission that his groundbreaking work on gravity was a fraud.

Conservative critics are blasting the scientific community for accepting without question the 320 year old concept of Universal Gravitation first articulated by Newton in 1687.

Nationally syndicated Radio talk show host, and de-facto leader of the Republican party Rush Limbaugh was particularly apoplectic upon hearing the news and angrily accused liberals of hatching a plan to bilk the public out of millions of dollars with “voodoo weight-loss schemes,” He lashed out at Jenny Craig for helping to propagate the ‘myth’ of obesity. Limbaugh lambasted Newton, saying “Are we supposed to trust a man that had just been hit in the head by a flying object? I don’t think so.”

The letter, which was recently authenticated by document specialist, Orly Taitz appears contradict the popular story of Newton’s epiphany under an apple tree. In the letter, Newton’s personal gardener, and head groundskeeper at Cambridge University in England, claims to have thrown the apple at Newton to protest Newton’s failure to publicly reject science and embrace the Lord. The letter details how the Spirit of the Lord sent the apple down from the tree specifically for the man pick up and hurl at the famed scientist in order to kill him.

Limbaugh reasoned that since there was no gravity, there could therefore be no such a thing as weight making it impossible for someone to be overweight. “We are what we are.” He said. “That’s the way God made us, and to try to change God’s vision of mankind is heresy, an assault on religion and part of an ongoing socialist, atheist plot to kill Jesus.”

Calling gravity a farce, prominent republican thinker and Facebook aficionado, Sarah Palin declared that after her own exhaustive Biblical research, she had concluded that Newton’s influential theories were ‘jibber-jabber’ intended to line the pockets of the ‘liberal elite.’ She noted that there was simply no credible evidence to support the claim. She continued to point that it was a ‘proven fact’ that gravity did not, in fact even exist, and that only through the power of Jesus are real Americans being kept from flying off into space. Palin explained that on clear nights she could see thousands of stars in the heavens from her home in Wasilla, and if there was some sort of ‘magic gravitationality’ [sic] those stars would have fallen into the earth long ago. Dismissing the entire notion of Gravity, Palin lumped the concept in with other “phony hooey-dooey scams” like Dinosaurs, Swine Flu, and Islam.

Glenn Beck, dedicated an entire week’s worth of coverage to Gravity-gate, which he explained was definitive proof of the further erosion of the Christian values in America. “Now Obama and his Czars are trying to tell us that Jesus never ascended to Heaven because it is physically impossible? Who are they fooling, folks??”

Beck went on to connect the Weight Watchers organization to an elaborate conspiracy to deny the existence of Christ. He also said that Weight Watchers was a socialist arm of the Obama administration beset with corruption and dubbed it “ACORN for fatties.”

“Now the libs trying to tell us that gravity is a law. I don’t see it in the constitution, but Barry Hussein and his cronies want us to be forced to follow their so-called law of gravity!! These monsters,” he said, wiping away tears, “Are trying to keep honest Americans down…literally!” Beck then produced a chart which he said de-coded a secret message hidden in the word “GRAVETY” [sic] that proved “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that the almost universally excepted principle of physics is a myth. The chart is shown below.


G = Greedy


R = Racist


A = Athiest


V = Vultures


E = Enthusiastically


T = Taking


Y = Your freedom


Beck echoed the emerging conservative meme that only God is to be credited for keeping life from being flung off of the planet. Beck also exhorted parents of school children to shred any school textbook that even mentions the word gravity, and he urged his viewers to instead buy gold from one of his shows remaining advertisers as a show of their liberty and devotion to God.  Beck did save some kind words for the "former heredical Jew" Newton, whom Beck announced, had converted to Mormanism in 2003. 


This reporter is following this BREAKING SCANDAL closely and will continue to update readers on any future findings.




ms12.18.09